When we turn the knife on ourselves: perfectionism, pattern loops, and finding your way out

A trait I see often in highly sensitive people is that of the high achiever. Yes, being highly skilled, and also having very high expectations of ourselves. The shadow side of which is...perfectionism. Being unbearably hard on ourselves. When young, many of us were taught—through a variety of events or circumstances—that there was no room for error. We developed the belief, "If I do well, I'll be safe. I'll get my needs met. I'll be loved." And we developed self-protective mechanisms accordingly.

As highly sensitives, we see everything. We pick up on nuances, have rich inner lives. We can analyze and deconstruct patterns, situations, and dynamics until the cows come home. While this ability to see and hold such intricacy is one of the superpowers of being highly sensitive, it comes with a grave pitfall: it widens the gap between what we cognitively understand and what we are often actually living; what our minds comprehend and where our bodies are stuck. This gap creates a wealth of opportunity for self-recrimination: I see what is happening here, so why am I still showing up in the same ways? Engaging the same behaviors? Choosing a thing that I thought was different but turns out is actually the same—and then staying?

We can be hard on ourselves for perceived failures: a job not gotten, deliverables or outcomes not met. And, in my experience, the most cruel manners of self-relating emerge when we find ourselves aware of our undesired patterns and stuck in them anyway.

From a somatic (nervous system) lens, this circumstance makes so much sense. There are two main reasons why it happens.

1. We go to what we know. One of the main jobs of the nervous system is to detect safety and threat, and then to protect us according to what it perceives. The thing is, once our primary nervous system blueprint is formed, we are wired to go to what is familiar—not what is actually safe or good for us. This results in our repeating relational patterns and dynamics across time: relationships where love is conditional or unstable; where you feel like you can't take up space or be your authentic self; where you are hyper-responsible and holding everything together; where you are controlled or criticized; where you feel inaccurately seen. Finding yourself in these pattens over and over—even when you can see them clearly—is not indicative of a fault, defect, or lack of worthiness on your part. It is your nervous system doing what it is designed to do, which it will continue to do until it learns and grows capacity to do otherwise. (This is where somatic work and reparative relationships come in.)

2. Our bodies seek resolution. The other primary reason that we find ourselves looping in undesired relational dynamics is that our bodies seek out the same harmful thing in an attempt to experience a different result. In what is clinically referred to as 'trauma recapitulation,' we subconsciously move towards experiences that re-trigger our initial wound in order to have a different outcome. We go into unsafe places trying to make them safe—in order to give our nervous systems the opportunity to complete the cycle of survival response-to-safety that they were not previously able to complete. This is actually such a beautiful human instinct: the impulse to right for ourselves what has been wronged; to heal what has been hurt. But here's the rub: you cannot heal within the same dynamic that harmed you. However subconsciously well-intentioned, it will only reinforce your wounds.

While all intimate relationships will trigger our core wounds (sorry! none of us can escape this, especially with attachment wounding), the good news is this: some people will also be able to show up for you in ways that foster repair and healing. It takes discernment and honesty with yourself to know who these people are, and it may feel scary and uncomfortable letting the reparative experience in. But it is possible. And this is how we heal.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself when you find yourself caught in a hall of mirrors, reenacting the same dynamics across time. Remember it is your system fighting for a different outcome. You are allowed to be self-compassionate while you're looping and move towards new ways of being at the same time.